I will journal once each week, by Saturday night of each week.
Learning to set goals creates the experience of meeting them. Realization that you are successful.
This is a necessary process, and this goal is evidence that I embrace the work I need to do to make meeting the goals I set in my life, my new reality.
Learning to set goals creates the experience of meeting them. Realization that you are successful.
This is a necessary process, and this goal is evidence that I embrace the work I need to do to make meeting the goals I set in my life, my new reality.
Its been some time since I journaled - and that's perfectly ok.
There's been a lot going on. I've been... becoming. Sometimes that means the caterpillar has to hide for a bit. Especially if a really old, cranky caterpillar shell realizes it's been worn too long and doesn't want to let go. Oh yes. Tricky "me"suit. So I enter the cocoon, and I rest there. I do not know how long this will take, but I'm in for the ride.
I've been busy, happy, depressed, elated, crazy, tired, overworked and nearly mad with any/all of these things, and my family - with a ton of homework and the massive re-write of self to accomplish... there have been times it has seemed overwhelming.
I buried my treasured cat Tuxero in the backyard, and have reconciled that I have no intention of accepting another cat into my life as my own. It was too hard to lose this one, and the grief has not yet faded, three months later it is still as fresh as the moment I stepped out of the gym, with an emotional thunderstorm inside my head, knowing I was headed to the vet to say goodbye to my friend. He was so much more than just a cat, and I will miss him for the rest of my life. It is not a weakness to admit I have a limit for loss. I cannot lose any more cats without losing a part of myself I fear I would not be able to regain. So, for now and perhaps for all time, I will love Rawja (Ali's cat) and JJ (Larry's cat) and my Chimera, and be grateful I have them instead of looking toward what I wish could have been. And that's ok. Now that the depression has passed - it is ok.
Instead of hiding from my difficulties, this time I met them head on. When school became difficult for Ali once more, and the calls began to come daily, I refused to put aside my deadline. When the new medical plan I was on devised a series of hoops it took me two weeks to accurately navigate, I refused to put aside my goal. When I realized I had taken on 15 credits and did not feel qualified to do THAT MUCH SCHOOL, I refused to back down. When I had to confront that I would be a bitch - and tell myself that THAT HAD to be perfectly ok. Knowing I might gain 5 pounds back of the 12 hard lost during PE - and again tell myself that THAT had to be perfectly ok. I talked to my husband. I used my words and told him what I'd need, and I refused to back down.
I honored my quit date. Today marks day Eight of a milestone I had not given myself the credit to truly believe I'd manage until I saw 3.8 sitting next to my classes, and realized that was my GPA. For too long, I refused to be the real me. I sought education, and I learned, don't get me wrong. But when those lessons began to "interfere" with my life, or so I told myself..., the truth was, they caused conflict that would force growth beyond what was easy, or comfortable, so I put them away. Wrapped them up in a pretty little packages with bows and set them in the back of the closet, promising myself I'd look at them again later, but not really meaning it. Tantra, bless and curse you. :) I should have known you'd be the first pretty little package to come back and bite me in the ass. In fact *spins in a circle to check*, I'd darn near swear you're still attached.
I look back now and realize every time these lessons popped back up, it was because I needed to remember them to find the right path. But another smoke and another drink would work, right? Wrong. SO very wrong. And it is perfectly alright that I chose that path for as long as I did, because I have chosen a different one now.
Working out daily is taxing, but if I fear the weight gain enough to refuse to quit because of it, action conquers fear. Therefore, I act, and I work out, and I curse at my Wii, raised fist of defiance or triumph in the air... it matters not which it is. It matters that I act. That I do. That I live, in this moment. That I honor my will, my sense of self. That I nod in the mirror when I past it, because somewhere, beneath this ego, this mask, this shell, I can see a glimpse... for the first time in a loooong time, I see it.
Now that I've gotten a glimpse of the naked flame, I tend it every Yoga class. Every meditation.
It was not quitting smoking that did it. It is not working out that is doing it. It is not Yoga. It is not any one thing... it was the heartfelt desire to choose to let myself shine through. To paraphrase a few entries I read today, to relocate that inner 17 year old, because she was fierce - and I've pretended for far too long that she was gone.
She's never been gone. She was just waiting for me to tell her I believed in her once more. Together, we'll talk tonight. It's the heart cave for me. That's where I need to be. My homework will wait until tomorrow if need be. And that's perfectly ok.
There's been a lot going on. I've been... becoming. Sometimes that means the caterpillar has to hide for a bit. Especially if a really old, cranky caterpillar shell realizes it's been worn too long and doesn't want to let go. Oh yes. Tricky "me"suit. So I enter the cocoon, and I rest there. I do not know how long this will take, but I'm in for the ride.
I've been busy, happy, depressed, elated, crazy, tired, overworked and nearly mad with any/all of these things, and my family - with a ton of homework and the massive re-write of self to accomplish... there have been times it has seemed overwhelming.
I buried my treasured cat Tuxero in the backyard, and have reconciled that I have no intention of accepting another cat into my life as my own. It was too hard to lose this one, and the grief has not yet faded, three months later it is still as fresh as the moment I stepped out of the gym, with an emotional thunderstorm inside my head, knowing I was headed to the vet to say goodbye to my friend. He was so much more than just a cat, and I will miss him for the rest of my life. It is not a weakness to admit I have a limit for loss. I cannot lose any more cats without losing a part of myself I fear I would not be able to regain. So, for now and perhaps for all time, I will love Rawja (Ali's cat) and JJ (Larry's cat) and my Chimera, and be grateful I have them instead of looking toward what I wish could have been. And that's ok. Now that the depression has passed - it is ok.
Instead of hiding from my difficulties, this time I met them head on. When school became difficult for Ali once more, and the calls began to come daily, I refused to put aside my deadline. When the new medical plan I was on devised a series of hoops it took me two weeks to accurately navigate, I refused to put aside my goal. When I realized I had taken on 15 credits and did not feel qualified to do THAT MUCH SCHOOL, I refused to back down. When I had to confront that I would be a bitch - and tell myself that THAT HAD to be perfectly ok. Knowing I might gain 5 pounds back of the 12 hard lost during PE - and again tell myself that THAT had to be perfectly ok. I talked to my husband. I used my words and told him what I'd need, and I refused to back down.
I honored my quit date. Today marks day Eight of a milestone I had not given myself the credit to truly believe I'd manage until I saw 3.8 sitting next to my classes, and realized that was my GPA. For too long, I refused to be the real me. I sought education, and I learned, don't get me wrong. But when those lessons began to "interfere" with my life, or so I told myself..., the truth was, they caused conflict that would force growth beyond what was easy, or comfortable, so I put them away. Wrapped them up in a pretty little packages with bows and set them in the back of the closet, promising myself I'd look at them again later, but not really meaning it. Tantra, bless and curse you. :) I should have known you'd be the first pretty little package to come back and bite me in the ass. In fact *spins in a circle to check*, I'd darn near swear you're still attached.
I look back now and realize every time these lessons popped back up, it was because I needed to remember them to find the right path. But another smoke and another drink would work, right? Wrong. SO very wrong. And it is perfectly alright that I chose that path for as long as I did, because I have chosen a different one now.
Working out daily is taxing, but if I fear the weight gain enough to refuse to quit because of it, action conquers fear. Therefore, I act, and I work out, and I curse at my Wii, raised fist of defiance or triumph in the air... it matters not which it is. It matters that I act. That I do. That I live, in this moment. That I honor my will, my sense of self. That I nod in the mirror when I past it, because somewhere, beneath this ego, this mask, this shell, I can see a glimpse... for the first time in a loooong time, I see it.
Now that I've gotten a glimpse of the naked flame, I tend it every Yoga class. Every meditation.
It was not quitting smoking that did it. It is not working out that is doing it. It is not Yoga. It is not any one thing... it was the heartfelt desire to choose to let myself shine through. To paraphrase a few entries I read today, to relocate that inner 17 year old, because she was fierce - and I've pretended for far too long that she was gone.
She's never been gone. She was just waiting for me to tell her I believed in her once more. Together, we'll talk tonight. It's the heart cave for me. That's where I need to be. My homework will wait until tomorrow if need be. And that's perfectly ok.
FIrst, I look forward to those that post of their experiences in rituals at this splendid event.
I did as I always do at Fall Equinox. I was there for the kitchen, just about exclusively. This year, my husband came with me, and instead of feeling as if he was missing out, we purchased a few books for him to read and he had a working/restful wonderful time.
With Ali's return to school today and my own orientation, I do not have time to post more than a "wow". So...
Wow.
It was terrific, again. We know what better to do next time, again. We had our failures (potatoes! Eeeek!) and we had our triumphs (several). All in all... Once again, we returned to the Kitchen Witchery and exited the Fall Equinox 2009 Kitchen fulfilled, exhausted and ready for the rest of our lives once more.
Laxmi... I am with you, just as you are with me.
I did as I always do at Fall Equinox. I was there for the kitchen, just about exclusively. This year, my husband came with me, and instead of feeling as if he was missing out, we purchased a few books for him to read and he had a working/restful wonderful time.
With Ali's return to school today and my own orientation, I do not have time to post more than a "wow". So...
Wow.
It was terrific, again. We know what better to do next time, again. We had our failures (potatoes! Eeeek!) and we had our triumphs (several). All in all... Once again, we returned to the Kitchen Witchery and exited the Fall Equinox 2009 Kitchen fulfilled, exhausted and ready for the rest of our lives once more.
Laxmi... I am with you, just as you are with me.
- Location:The Kitchen, of course!!
- Music:The history channel in the background (husband's fault)
Its been a very busy few days. Very. I had my personal pity party on Thursday morning, which I needed, as silly as that may sound. I had to put it somewhere. It was necessary, at the time, for me to ail at the unfortunate nature of my circumstances. I was making a space for what I needed to do, instead of this over-whelming "now what" that I could not see past. I was able to put it away, and let my daughter's 16th birthday be a joy without her mother acting like a bitch either all day or at random unexpected moments. Mission successful. DD's birthday was wonderful. She, her friends, and dare I say it, even I had a good time.
Thurday felt maniacal. In addition to the daughter's birthday, I received a random phone call asking me how many cups is contained in 10lbs of breadcrumbs... (erk.....I have no idea... truly!) and another that resulted in the cancellation of the Minions for NWFEF that I thought I could rely on. In calling to cancel, he stated that he knew we would do fine without him, but he was not sure he would do fine without us. It is an odd thing to be expected to comfort someone that just left you in the position his call left me. Instead of letting it in... I just took a good long breath or five and continued with my day.
Friday was easier. General cleanup from the party before. General prep for the party on Saturday. Considering getting online to do some work for my favorite Non-Profit, and realizing my heart just was not in it, so that best wait for a day it is. Cleaning the house, as my mother was coming on Saturday. Hanging out with the girls. Watching the parade of DD's friends that arrived between Thursday evening and Saturday evening was terrific. DD has some good people in her life, and many of them took the time to come see her and say hi.
Must say, did have a bit of a row with the husband Friday night. His focus has been on "fixing the truck", especially with the recent surprise (!!) car issue. This felt, very much to me, like being completely abandoned while I tried to process everything, organize not one but two parties and all that entails, and finding that the man I love was nowhere to be found or under a truck or hiding in his office. It had been a good long while since something like this had happened, so rather than use my words well, I was a bitch to the one person that understands, sometimes even better than I do, why I do that.
Saturday was good, and began with an apology to my husband and an explanation of why I got so bitchy. He understood where I was coming from, and pointed out something I'd not stated, but had seen clear as day, which greatly contributed to my overall frustration. Much better. We're in this together again, as we so often do so well. We got the house clean and the food prepped. Mom showed up early, of course! Just as she says I am usually late, she is usually early. DD got a 120gig Ipod and nearly had a heart attack in our living room. Of course, this was after opening the HUGE box, going through all the paper, to find a note on the bottom of the box that said "Oh Heck! Now as Grandpa what he did with it!" Turns out it was in my mom's purse. They departed and people started to trickle in. Scheduling a party from 5pm-10pm is a great idea when you have limited seating and a house full of teens! One group would arrive, stay for a bit, then depart as the next arrived. It worked out very well. I jumped a personal hurdle and invited two people we really wanted to see, including one that I could not be sure of my reaction to. It was good to see them, and most of the "weird" is finally gone. I'd love to say I am completely over it... but I often get surprised and discover I've lied to myself, so I'll say instead that I've come to terms with where we were, where we are, and am looking forward to a solid friendship that has survived yet another possibly shattering round of uber-emotional stuff.
Today is Sunday. DD's birthday and the accompanying festivities are over. I still have extra teens, but they're the helpful ones, not the lay about ones. I finally had time, no no... no lies to myself, or others. I finally TOOK the time last night, as I headed to sleep to meditate. The lessons are coming clearer and clearer. I am going to school. I want to be in better health. I now get to take the bus, which requires much more walking on my end. The program I got into for school offers...you'll never guess what...? That's right. Free bus passes. A good friend's son is not using his car to get to Fall Eq, instead he's loaning it to me. What a sweetheart. I owe him a thank you that exceeds words, so I'l have to figure something out for that. I know I can work as hard as three people in a kitchen, but there are always more people than I expect. This will work itself out. I am not meant to be "abandoned" or "unimportant", instead I am meant to be flexible and learn to go with the flow when the normal becomes the completely not at all what I expected. In the absence of the one tool I thought I could not do without, I have been given everything I needed to be completely, instead of partially, successful at my goals.
And now....a packing list to write, as I look forward to NWFEF.
And to those that responded to my Thursday post - Thank you. In each case, you words were heard, appreciated and carefully considered. Namaste.
Thurday felt maniacal. In addition to the daughter's birthday, I received a random phone call asking me how many cups is contained in 10lbs of breadcrumbs... (erk.....I have no idea... truly!) and another that resulted in the cancellation of the Minions for NWFEF that I thought I could rely on. In calling to cancel, he stated that he knew we would do fine without him, but he was not sure he would do fine without us. It is an odd thing to be expected to comfort someone that just left you in the position his call left me. Instead of letting it in... I just took a good long breath or five and continued with my day.
Friday was easier. General cleanup from the party before. General prep for the party on Saturday. Considering getting online to do some work for my favorite Non-Profit, and realizing my heart just was not in it, so that best wait for a day it is. Cleaning the house, as my mother was coming on Saturday. Hanging out with the girls. Watching the parade of DD's friends that arrived between Thursday evening and Saturday evening was terrific. DD has some good people in her life, and many of them took the time to come see her and say hi.
Must say, did have a bit of a row with the husband Friday night. His focus has been on "fixing the truck", especially with the recent surprise (!!) car issue. This felt, very much to me, like being completely abandoned while I tried to process everything, organize not one but two parties and all that entails, and finding that the man I love was nowhere to be found or under a truck or hiding in his office. It had been a good long while since something like this had happened, so rather than use my words well, I was a bitch to the one person that understands, sometimes even better than I do, why I do that.
Saturday was good, and began with an apology to my husband and an explanation of why I got so bitchy. He understood where I was coming from, and pointed out something I'd not stated, but had seen clear as day, which greatly contributed to my overall frustration. Much better. We're in this together again, as we so often do so well. We got the house clean and the food prepped. Mom showed up early, of course! Just as she says I am usually late, she is usually early. DD got a 120gig Ipod and nearly had a heart attack in our living room. Of course, this was after opening the HUGE box, going through all the paper, to find a note on the bottom of the box that said "Oh Heck! Now as Grandpa what he did with it!" Turns out it was in my mom's purse. They departed and people started to trickle in. Scheduling a party from 5pm-10pm is a great idea when you have limited seating and a house full of teens! One group would arrive, stay for a bit, then depart as the next arrived. It worked out very well. I jumped a personal hurdle and invited two people we really wanted to see, including one that I could not be sure of my reaction to. It was good to see them, and most of the "weird" is finally gone. I'd love to say I am completely over it... but I often get surprised and discover I've lied to myself, so I'll say instead that I've come to terms with where we were, where we are, and am looking forward to a solid friendship that has survived yet another possibly shattering round of uber-emotional stuff.
Today is Sunday. DD's birthday and the accompanying festivities are over. I still have extra teens, but they're the helpful ones, not the lay about ones. I finally had time, no no... no lies to myself, or others. I finally TOOK the time last night, as I headed to sleep to meditate. The lessons are coming clearer and clearer. I am going to school. I want to be in better health. I now get to take the bus, which requires much more walking on my end. The program I got into for school offers...you'll never guess what...? That's right. Free bus passes. A good friend's son is not using his car to get to Fall Eq, instead he's loaning it to me. What a sweetheart. I owe him a thank you that exceeds words, so I'l have to figure something out for that. I know I can work as hard as three people in a kitchen, but there are always more people than I expect. This will work itself out. I am not meant to be "abandoned" or "unimportant", instead I am meant to be flexible and learn to go with the flow when the normal becomes the completely not at all what I expected. In the absence of the one tool I thought I could not do without, I have been given everything I needed to be completely, instead of partially, successful at my goals.
And now....a packing list to write, as I look forward to NWFEF.
And to those that responded to my Thursday post - Thank you. In each case, you words were heard, appreciated and carefully considered. Namaste.
- Mood:
productive - Music:The background to video games. Gah!
It is my daughter's 16th birthday today and I am angry. Terribly angry.
Several weeks ago my husband's car developed issues and the transmission stopped working. This left me without a vehicle, because he, effectively took mine. He continued to attend school, etc, while researching how to replace his transmission on the shoestring we call a budget.
Last night, he was almost done fixing his truck. I drove to Jenne's and then she drove to Ellen and Matty's for the ByLaw meeting, courtesy of my favorite non-profit. She we finally returned to her house, I hopped back in my car and tried to return home.
Where the freeway changes from 217 to 26, the engine started making a strange noise. I pulled into the middle lane, concerned. Then a loud pop sounded, smoke poured out from under the hood and the engine began to slow. I had to call my husband to come tow me home.
Last night, Larry repeatedly assured me. Unfortunately, he assured me that he repaired his truck. I knew the problem with my car was more profound than a simple fix, and this morning, having been awake for about 2 minutes, my darling daughter informed me that "I threw a rod, just so I knew".
My car is dead. After everything I fucking did. Driving to the coast. Letting him use my car. Busting my ass and letting his stupid fucking truck take precidence.... my car is dead and we do not have the funds to fix it.
Today my daughter is 16 and I fucking hate my life. Still, let me show her empathy, when YouTube doesn't work on her phone. Because THAT is a big deal. Right?
And as I sit here, my husband truck starts.
Perfect.
He got what he needed.
She got what she wanted.
I'm tired of the universe telling me I am unimportant.
Several weeks ago my husband's car developed issues and the transmission stopped working. This left me without a vehicle, because he, effectively took mine. He continued to attend school, etc, while researching how to replace his transmission on the shoestring we call a budget.
Last night, he was almost done fixing his truck. I drove to Jenne's and then she drove to Ellen and Matty's for the ByLaw meeting, courtesy of my favorite non-profit. She we finally returned to her house, I hopped back in my car and tried to return home.
Where the freeway changes from 217 to 26, the engine started making a strange noise. I pulled into the middle lane, concerned. Then a loud pop sounded, smoke poured out from under the hood and the engine began to slow. I had to call my husband to come tow me home.
Last night, Larry repeatedly assured me. Unfortunately, he assured me that he repaired his truck. I knew the problem with my car was more profound than a simple fix, and this morning, having been awake for about 2 minutes, my darling daughter informed me that "I threw a rod, just so I knew".
My car is dead. After everything I fucking did. Driving to the coast. Letting him use my car. Busting my ass and letting his stupid fucking truck take precidence.... my car is dead and we do not have the funds to fix it.
Today my daughter is 16 and I fucking hate my life. Still, let me show her empathy, when YouTube doesn't work on her phone. Because THAT is a big deal. Right?
And as I sit here, my husband truck starts.
Perfect.
He got what he needed.
She got what she wanted.
I'm tired of the universe telling me I am unimportant.
It is 9am and I am wide awake. Have been since 8:15am, which isn't bad for this unemployed chick.
First things first, a huge glass of water. Much water. Figured out on the first "no smoke" day that I can no longer wake with coffee. Perhaps I can take that back in time, but right now, it is a kick in the "go have a smoke" part of my brain that I will prove I am the boss of.
So, water... can't get enough of the stuff. Putting the cigarettes away has caused a need to always have a drink in my hand. The weather contributes, certainly, with 80+ degree days and no AC, but I am not complaining. I feel better. After just three days the Ohm is longer, stronger. The coughing is less. I am rather moody, and it is getting on DH's nerves, but he'll live with it. :) Beyond that, holy moly my house is getting super clean!
I now go about my morning catching up on my internet reading, checking up on my friends, going through email, sifting the good from the bad and the "deal with now" from the "deal with later". Crossing my t's and dotting my i's, I organize everything on my desk. OWOW stuffs. 9HOGS FE Kitchen Stuffs. School paperwork for both Larry and I. So many small piles of stuff to file when I get home.
DD is still in Battleground. Bless her heart for giving me a period of time without her. I don't know why I allow myself to get so riled up by her, but these few days have been wonderful. I guess I needed a break, and she was smart enough to know that.
More accu-pokey today. Then PParenthood for the shot in the butt/arm. Reminds me, where did I put that birth certificate?! Ahh. There it is. One more piece of paper for the notebook from hell (that I carry with me wherever I go).
Finalized the FE 09 kitchen last night. I think we've wrangled Elle into not making any further changes. I hope so. Elle arrived late, telling me that a friend she had just visited is stressing out. So, a few words to that friend. Breathe, beautiful. It will work itself out.
It is a "last minute" kind of year, thanks to the economy and the scheduling of your particular festival. (I always have to figure in that DD's birthday and the beginning of school which requires supplies and an entire wardrobe are in the same month. It takes serious management on my behalf to juggle all of these things and not drop the ball on something important.)
My thoughts have been ... strange for the last few days. Taking a moment here or there to consider previous choices I have made and realizing in a few cases that I may have made the right ones, but for the wrong reasons. Or the wrong ones, but for the right reasons. Rather than dwell, I move on, as I know I need the energy in different places in my life than there, but still... it has been enlightening.
That's all for now!
First things first, a huge glass of water. Much water. Figured out on the first "no smoke" day that I can no longer wake with coffee. Perhaps I can take that back in time, but right now, it is a kick in the "go have a smoke" part of my brain that I will prove I am the boss of.
So, water... can't get enough of the stuff. Putting the cigarettes away has caused a need to always have a drink in my hand. The weather contributes, certainly, with 80+ degree days and no AC, but I am not complaining. I feel better. After just three days the Ohm is longer, stronger. The coughing is less. I am rather moody, and it is getting on DH's nerves, but he'll live with it. :) Beyond that, holy moly my house is getting super clean!
I now go about my morning catching up on my internet reading, checking up on my friends, going through email, sifting the good from the bad and the "deal with now" from the "deal with later". Crossing my t's and dotting my i's, I organize everything on my desk. OWOW stuffs. 9HOGS FE Kitchen Stuffs. School paperwork for both Larry and I. So many small piles of stuff to file when I get home.
DD is still in Battleground. Bless her heart for giving me a period of time without her. I don't know why I allow myself to get so riled up by her, but these few days have been wonderful. I guess I needed a break, and she was smart enough to know that.
More accu-pokey today. Then PParenthood for the shot in the butt/arm. Reminds me, where did I put that birth certificate?! Ahh. There it is. One more piece of paper for the notebook from hell (that I carry with me wherever I go).
Finalized the FE 09 kitchen last night. I think we've wrangled Elle into not making any further changes. I hope so. Elle arrived late, telling me that a friend she had just visited is stressing out. So, a few words to that friend. Breathe, beautiful. It will work itself out.
It is a "last minute" kind of year, thanks to the economy and the scheduling of your particular festival. (I always have to figure in that DD's birthday and the beginning of school which requires supplies and an entire wardrobe are in the same month. It takes serious management on my behalf to juggle all of these things and not drop the ball on something important.)
My thoughts have been ... strange for the last few days. Taking a moment here or there to consider previous choices I have made and realizing in a few cases that I may have made the right ones, but for the wrong reasons. Or the wrong ones, but for the right reasons. Rather than dwell, I move on, as I know I need the energy in different places in my life than there, but still... it has been enlightening.
That's all for now!
- Mood:
awake - Music:Nightshift - The Commodores
Instead of titling this "The first step", I thought for a few minutes, breathing and considering. In doing so, I realized that was the wrong title. This is the next step, another step, each step that led me here, now leading me forward at the pace I set. The last step I took that was this size a stride was enrollling in Tantra classes, despite my nervousness.
I have discovered an amazing thing. Each step makes the next one easier.
Today, I was accepted into the Transitions program at PCC. Officially, I will be a college student beginning September 21st. My entire family will be insured through this program for the duration of my education or up to four years. This program and then women who run it will help me learn how to write for grants and scholarships and are offering a multitude of career counseling options to determine what the right course of study (and then career path) is a good match for me. The resources I will be shown, courtesy of this program, made me believe I could do this. Not just want it, but actually do it. I actively pursued this, and was successful.
I am still terrified, but I am also excited. I'm going to take Math. Bravery is stepping forward, even as you are fearful. It is time to be brave again.
I have discovered an amazing thing. Each step makes the next one easier.
Today, I was accepted into the Transitions program at PCC. Officially, I will be a college student beginning September 21st. My entire family will be insured through this program for the duration of my education or up to four years. This program and then women who run it will help me learn how to write for grants and scholarships and are offering a multitude of career counseling options to determine what the right course of study (and then career path) is a good match for me. The resources I will be shown, courtesy of this program, made me believe I could do this. Not just want it, but actually do it. I actively pursued this, and was successful.
I am still terrified, but I am also excited. I'm going to take Math. Bravery is stepping forward, even as you are fearful. It is time to be brave again.
- Location:My living room
- Mood:
calm - Music:Poker Face, Lady Gaga
I tested into Math 60 (it's not math 20, which I was sort of expecting!) and Writing 121. I was nervous as hell walking into that room to take those tests. I know I am not stupid, but when I walk into a "test", I always second guess that. Its of no importance, this time, that I thought such. I thought I'd fill out the admission form and take paperwork home. Instead, I filled out the paperwork, was introduce to a wonderful program, took the available time to do the tests and nodded to myself on the way out, knowing I'm serious. Finally believing I can do it.
I've completed the online orientation. I filled out the fafsa paperwork. I set an appointment to attend an information session for a program called "Transitions", that helps facilitate women who are returning to school due to life changes such as divorce, displaced work and no longer being the "at home mom". It is really an Incredible program, offering everything from 5 elective credit classes they pay for (If I get in, they're gonna make me take P.E. I gotta buy some tennis shoes! ) to health insurance for both the women attending school and their dependents. They go over possible careers, and help women figure out what they want to do. Perfect fit for me.
I am starting to get excited about it. I don't know *what* I am going to do, yet, but I know what I want. I want an education.
I've completed the online orientation. I filled out the fafsa paperwork. I set an appointment to attend an information session for a program called "Transitions", that helps facilitate women who are returning to school due to life changes such as divorce, displaced work and no longer being the "at home mom". It is really an Incredible program, offering everything from 5 elective credit classes they pay for (If I get in, they're gonna make me take P.E. I gotta buy some tennis shoes! ) to health insurance for both the women attending school and their dependents. They go over possible careers, and help women figure out what they want to do. Perfect fit for me.
I am starting to get excited about it. I don't know *what* I am going to do, yet, but I know what I want. I want an education.
And as I typed it, I should have known...
I certainly DID have plans, I had just completely forgotten them! *laughs* Larry had entirely too much homework to do, and as next week is finals and he is struggling mightily with one class, we decided to "drop by" rather than fully attend the party. Sometimes, we are such grownups.
Earlier that day, ritual rehearsal went well, and my friend felt better about how all of this "stuff" is turning out. That was a good thing. I learned more about public speaking, which was vital.
Sunday our daughter arrived home, in a state I've never seen her in. Without details I should not share, Ali will never spent the night at Tiffany's again due to what I view as a complete lapse in parental judgment that endangered a teenage girl, and Ali and Tiffany are negotiating whether or not they can continue their relationship.
Watching this from the perspective of a parent is difficult. I offer hugs. An ear when she wants to talk. I have not offered much advice beyond reminding her to do what feels right to her. Further proof of my learning, I suppose. I know exactly where I end, and she begins. When she asks for my advice, I will offer it, though I know mostly it will be asking questions to help her mentally find the answer she probably already has in the back of her head. Until then, it is incredibly important that she feel this through, think it through, and make the right decision for her.
Thankfully, just as I got worried that it was going to be exceptionally problematic to get our things back, they showed up this morning, dropped off as our friend headed to work.
Now, if I can just get pictures of these kitties so I can post them as "free" but only after I interrogate you within an inch of your life, on Craig's list. Where'd I put that darned camera?
I certainly DID have plans, I had just completely forgotten them! *laughs* Larry had entirely too much homework to do, and as next week is finals and he is struggling mightily with one class, we decided to "drop by" rather than fully attend the party. Sometimes, we are such grownups.
Earlier that day, ritual rehearsal went well, and my friend felt better about how all of this "stuff" is turning out. That was a good thing. I learned more about public speaking, which was vital.
Sunday our daughter arrived home, in a state I've never seen her in. Without details I should not share, Ali will never spent the night at Tiffany's again due to what I view as a complete lapse in parental judgment that endangered a teenage girl, and Ali and Tiffany are negotiating whether or not they can continue their relationship.
Watching this from the perspective of a parent is difficult. I offer hugs. An ear when she wants to talk. I have not offered much advice beyond reminding her to do what feels right to her. Further proof of my learning, I suppose. I know exactly where I end, and she begins. When she asks for my advice, I will offer it, though I know mostly it will be asking questions to help her mentally find the answer she probably already has in the back of her head. Until then, it is incredibly important that she feel this through, think it through, and make the right decision for her.
Thankfully, just as I got worried that it was going to be exceptionally problematic to get our things back, they showed up this morning, dropped off as our friend headed to work.
Now, if I can just get pictures of these kitties so I can post them as "free" but only after I interrogate you within an inch of your life, on Craig's list. Where'd I put that darned camera?
So, being raised in the generation that watched "Friends" like it was a religion, I have this auto-response to "taking a break" that makes sense only to others that watched the show. (I can hear Ross in my head, as I type this, yelling "We were on a break!")
And what do I get handed by the lovelies with a hodgepodge toolbox and not enough time?
We're....you guessed it. "Taking a break".
I yelled first, but laughed second, explaining the reference to my husband, who only understood my "Whaaaaaaat?!" after said explanation. Heh. I am glad he is there for the moments I revert and recover. He's good for me.
New challenge: Explaining to the lovelies that I am uncomfortable with "taking a break" as a concept, but I don't know what it means to them, so... in the words of a mostly fictional persona, often referenced by my husband or myself:
"Lucy, you got some 'splainin' to do!"
In the meantime, ritual rehearsal is today, which should be fun. Lots of people I adore, and I get to see George and Robin's new place. I also get to help dig a pop up out of the garage. (Great big "eeeek" there. George's garage scares me.)
Two calls already for the address of said rehearsal. *laughs merrily* Good thing I got up early! After that.... I have no plans.
I love saying that. No plans. :)
And what do I get handed by the lovelies with a hodgepodge toolbox and not enough time?
We're....you guessed it. "Taking a break".
I yelled first, but laughed second, explaining the reference to my husband, who only understood my "Whaaaaaaat?!" after said explanation. Heh. I am glad he is there for the moments I revert and recover. He's good for me.
New challenge: Explaining to the lovelies that I am uncomfortable with "taking a break" as a concept, but I don't know what it means to them, so... in the words of a mostly fictional persona, often referenced by my husband or myself:
"Lucy, you got some 'splainin' to do!"
In the meantime, ritual rehearsal is today, which should be fun. Lots of people I adore, and I get to see George and Robin's new place. I also get to help dig a pop up out of the garage. (Great big "eeeek" there. George's garage scares me.)
Two calls already for the address of said rehearsal. *laughs merrily* Good thing I got up early! After that.... I have no plans.
I love saying that. No plans. :)
- Location:On my living room floor, snitching a smoke at the fireplace.
- Mood: busy
Today, I opened my eyes and smiled. I remained in bed for a moment, first gazing at the rumpled glory, sleeping arms and legs askew yet somehow owning two thirds of a king sized bed, of my husband. Seventeen years later, he is still such a sight to me. Turning my head, and turning both out, and in, breathe. Center. Check the flowers for the first time in a week, knowing I am now ready to do so. I realized the day before that I missed the daily check-in and felt ... somehow distant from myself for not doing it. Amazing how these concepts have integrated themselves into my life. A couple of the lovely buds remain mostly bud. Not completely closed, but hesitant... previously bright lights dim in a couple of places, for now. Instead of frustration with myself, the "smarter" me speaks up loud and clear. This is natural, and healthy. It will pass soon. I am hesitant, because I went and got myself hurt. Nodding to myself as I open my eyes once more, I find I am still smiling.
I couldn't leave my room without petting the kittens and their mother, My Mya. Two down, three to go. Today Tuxero gets a photo shoot and written description of personality so I can ascertain if he has a home or needs one. Robin has not decided and he will be seven weeks old on Saturday. That little guy has opted to sleep with me, follow me, snuggle with me... but I cannot keep him. I will simply love him wholeheartedly, and teach him to trust, so he will bond to Robin the way he has bonded to me.
Ambled out of the bedroom and wrapped myself in the dragon sarong I purchased for Larry at last year's Sunfest, which has now reverted to my custody. The colors are all fire, so I took to wearing it while meditating on Fire and determining how I work with that element prior to calling it at the upcoming Sunfest. I am still grateful that I am not calling water. I call water, it freakin' rains. :) Best I not call water at the coast when manifestation is looming large in my life.
Head for the kitchen, to make DH's coffee, as he has math class this morning. Filling the coffee pot with water, I catch myself looking outside. On top of the grill, there sits the mug that sat beside my sink for the last 6 months. Any time I felt too distanced, that was the mug I drank coffee out of. Strange the attachments we develop to objects. The mug was to be taken by the man dropping off our pop-up and splitting maul "so early we'd not be awake". The mug sitting there, still, was not what I expected. Ah, well. I will have to call him. I know he's busy, that's always been the case, but I need to know when our things will be returned. While I am now prepared to see him, I am not prepared for him to show up unannounced.
It is a beautiful day. The kittens are awesome (watching one try to stalk DH is hysterical). I have a fire sarong and a strong cup of coffee. I am going to call my ex and assist in facilitating the return of our belongings, instead of avoiding. I get to do a lengthy meditation this afternoon in my pleasantly air-conditioned bedroom. All that remains is a good round of cleaning, and I think I'll get started on that right about now.
I couldn't leave my room without petting the kittens and their mother, My Mya. Two down, three to go. Today Tuxero gets a photo shoot and written description of personality so I can ascertain if he has a home or needs one. Robin has not decided and he will be seven weeks old on Saturday. That little guy has opted to sleep with me, follow me, snuggle with me... but I cannot keep him. I will simply love him wholeheartedly, and teach him to trust, so he will bond to Robin the way he has bonded to me.
Ambled out of the bedroom and wrapped myself in the dragon sarong I purchased for Larry at last year's Sunfest, which has now reverted to my custody. The colors are all fire, so I took to wearing it while meditating on Fire and determining how I work with that element prior to calling it at the upcoming Sunfest. I am still grateful that I am not calling water. I call water, it freakin' rains. :) Best I not call water at the coast when manifestation is looming large in my life.
Head for the kitchen, to make DH's coffee, as he has math class this morning. Filling the coffee pot with water, I catch myself looking outside. On top of the grill, there sits the mug that sat beside my sink for the last 6 months. Any time I felt too distanced, that was the mug I drank coffee out of. Strange the attachments we develop to objects. The mug was to be taken by the man dropping off our pop-up and splitting maul "so early we'd not be awake". The mug sitting there, still, was not what I expected. Ah, well. I will have to call him. I know he's busy, that's always been the case, but I need to know when our things will be returned. While I am now prepared to see him, I am not prepared for him to show up unannounced.
It is a beautiful day. The kittens are awesome (watching one try to stalk DH is hysterical). I have a fire sarong and a strong cup of coffee. I am going to call my ex and assist in facilitating the return of our belongings, instead of avoiding. I get to do a lengthy meditation this afternoon in my pleasantly air-conditioned bedroom. All that remains is a good round of cleaning, and I think I'll get started on that right about now.
- Mood: awake
- Music:My Own Worst Enemy - Lit
This is harder than I thought, and that frustrates me. I wish I could choose how to feel instead of having to let myself feel all kinds of crappy to get past this. I've not felt this way in a good long time. Then again, I've never exited a relationship in such a screwed-up manner either.
So, communication breaks down after one part of a couple has a major round of jealousy. This is nothing new, as they are often busy, we notice a little less communication, but not that much less. Email wording has not changed. Interactions are minimal due to time restraints and busy lives. Then there is Beltane, and I know something is "off".
I try to bring it up, to be told "this is not the time". After such an offhand dismissal, when I tried to bring up a serious subject in a lighthearted manner, the DH and I talk once we are home. We both admit that we're not getting from this relationship what we need or want and take some time to consider what this means and what we should do about it. We realise, we can do nothing until we talk to them and bridge the communication gap.
We make arrangements and take a drive out of town. We bring babysitters for their kids, and take them to dinner. DH brings the subject up, asking what is going on. I was outside smoking when this happened. When I returned, it was much like sitting down at a table and getting kicked in the teeth. The woman of the couple tells my DH that she felt uncomfortable because the "involved" energy was still there, coming from us, at Beltane. We both respond with, "of course it was", to be informed that in a conversation had two months prior, between DH and her, that she broke it off.
Both DH and I sit there, stunned. I recall the conversation he told me about, in which "space" was asked for. He said it was a difficult conversation. He said it was hard for both of them. He did not say they broke it off, because he did not understand that is what she was doing. Then again, with her wording, who would have? Not only did she not make herself clear, across the table she turned to him and explained that she thought he would tell me, because telling him was "difficult enough". The man of the couple turned to his wife and says "I thought he had told her.", referring to my DH. So, in the end, I... was not even worth informing.
My view of them shifts. Not only did this actually happen, they both think that this... this was ok. These people I was foolish enough to care for, gave no thought to me that was not attached to handing the responsibility for their decision to my DH. With this realisation, the first wave of "relief" hits me. Even if I had not wanted this to be ended, it is best that it was. Clearly, we are incompatible.
So now I have the conversation I was not part of but was supposed to understand somehow. We have the breakup that wasn't. We have being dumped, and then flirted with in the same half an hour. We have "but we thought you'd stay and enjoy a bottle of wine with us" when I wanted nothing more than to get the fuck out of dodge and give myself time to process. We'd already stayed and chatted about car repairs and mundania for about an hour after the "announcement" of our ended relationship. I've not been that uncomfortable in a good long time. Instead of running from that, I'd even acquiesed to spending yet more time watching them drink as they wanted to drop by their local bar. By the time I got home, I had processed a good deal of my feelings, but still needed some alone time. Through no victory of it's own, that man's coffee cup is still in one piece. It is also now out of my sight.
So here I sit, feeling pretty crappy. Finally sent an email to them both. More information would be nice, but I don't expect it. Some consideration would have been terrific, but if it was lacking before, I cannot expect it now. All of their "talk" about not compromising our friendship rings in my ears. In friendship, when one makes a decision that impacts the life of another, you tell them. Directly. Honestly. You make sure they understand, because you care for them. If that is part of my definintion of friendship, we didn't even have that.
Sometimes, people just suck.
On Friday he will be dropping by. I have no desire to see him, interact with him, explain to him that if we're not involved he doesn't get to put his hands anywhere on my body that I consider intimate. I don't want anything to do with him, for now, and I can't figure out if I am supposed to be home to say that, or let it be said with my absence. I hate that kind of mystery.
Tomorrow will be a better day, because today is better than yesterday.
So, communication breaks down after one part of a couple has a major round of jealousy. This is nothing new, as they are often busy, we notice a little less communication, but not that much less. Email wording has not changed. Interactions are minimal due to time restraints and busy lives. Then there is Beltane, and I know something is "off".
I try to bring it up, to be told "this is not the time". After such an offhand dismissal, when I tried to bring up a serious subject in a lighthearted manner, the DH and I talk once we are home. We both admit that we're not getting from this relationship what we need or want and take some time to consider what this means and what we should do about it. We realise, we can do nothing until we talk to them and bridge the communication gap.
We make arrangements and take a drive out of town. We bring babysitters for their kids, and take them to dinner. DH brings the subject up, asking what is going on. I was outside smoking when this happened. When I returned, it was much like sitting down at a table and getting kicked in the teeth. The woman of the couple tells my DH that she felt uncomfortable because the "involved" energy was still there, coming from us, at Beltane. We both respond with, "of course it was", to be informed that in a conversation had two months prior, between DH and her, that she broke it off.
Both DH and I sit there, stunned. I recall the conversation he told me about, in which "space" was asked for. He said it was a difficult conversation. He said it was hard for both of them. He did not say they broke it off, because he did not understand that is what she was doing. Then again, with her wording, who would have? Not only did she not make herself clear, across the table she turned to him and explained that she thought he would tell me, because telling him was "difficult enough". The man of the couple turned to his wife and says "I thought he had told her.", referring to my DH. So, in the end, I... was not even worth informing.
My view of them shifts. Not only did this actually happen, they both think that this... this was ok. These people I was foolish enough to care for, gave no thought to me that was not attached to handing the responsibility for their decision to my DH. With this realisation, the first wave of "relief" hits me. Even if I had not wanted this to be ended, it is best that it was. Clearly, we are incompatible.
So now I have the conversation I was not part of but was supposed to understand somehow. We have the breakup that wasn't. We have being dumped, and then flirted with in the same half an hour. We have "but we thought you'd stay and enjoy a bottle of wine with us" when I wanted nothing more than to get the fuck out of dodge and give myself time to process. We'd already stayed and chatted about car repairs and mundania for about an hour after the "announcement" of our ended relationship. I've not been that uncomfortable in a good long time. Instead of running from that, I'd even acquiesed to spending yet more time watching them drink as they wanted to drop by their local bar. By the time I got home, I had processed a good deal of my feelings, but still needed some alone time. Through no victory of it's own, that man's coffee cup is still in one piece. It is also now out of my sight.
So here I sit, feeling pretty crappy. Finally sent an email to them both. More information would be nice, but I don't expect it. Some consideration would have been terrific, but if it was lacking before, I cannot expect it now. All of their "talk" about not compromising our friendship rings in my ears. In friendship, when one makes a decision that impacts the life of another, you tell them. Directly. Honestly. You make sure they understand, because you care for them. If that is part of my definintion of friendship, we didn't even have that.
Sometimes, people just suck.
On Friday he will be dropping by. I have no desire to see him, interact with him, explain to him that if we're not involved he doesn't get to put his hands anywhere on my body that I consider intimate. I don't want anything to do with him, for now, and I can't figure out if I am supposed to be home to say that, or let it be said with my absence. I hate that kind of mystery.
Tomorrow will be a better day, because today is better than yesterday.
- Mood:
disappointed - Music:The background music of a Wii. (Blech!)
I landed in a situation today that left me speechless.
A thousand things popped into my mind to say, to ask, to require clarification on, because I did not understand. All of the verbal impulses I have to say hurtful things bounced around my head in response to feeling injured and foolish.
I excused myself to smoke, to gather my thoughts before my mouth got the better of me. Still, it got past me once. When someone tells you they are sorry, it is certainly not best to say "You will be." Thankfully, my amazing husband recognised that it was the only verbal "defense" (could easily be called offensive attack) that escaped, and I did not mean it. I was upset, and as usual, upset of any kind covers itself with anger. Anger is familiar, it feels empowering, but that is a lie. In my case, that defense is destructive, hurtful and if I don't get the better of it and use it to clean the heck out of the kitchen, ultimately harmful to myself and others.
I was quiet after that one slip. Was it because my mind was busy keeping my lips from opening again, or was it the conscious decision I feel I made, to not speak until I could sure to be civil? To not speak until I could trust my words, speaking them without regret and from the heart. I am unsure which it was. I suppose I will not know until the next time. Wait...
This is the second. Ahhh. I love those lightbulb moments, when everything makes sense all of a sudden.
How is it that in learning how to talk...
I have learned, finally, when not to?
I have never handled a situation like this.. In such an "aware of who I was/am and who I choose to be" manner. Catching the "defensive" thoughts that went through my head and tossing them out, like so much garbage, because I saw them, heard them, knew them, and have found them to no longer be true to who I am and wish to be.
My husband might disagree. He went to bed alone. That was for both of us. In this, I know we will both experience a sense of loss. My first reaction to loss is an immediate need for isolation. His is that of seeking comfort. This is the first time I have required enough time to deal with my own emotional response before honouring his. I needed to do so, and I not only recognised that, but owned it and used my words to ask it of him. I told him that I was not ready to talk, but I would be later. I asked him not to stay up for me. I welcomed him to stay awake if he wished. He did not. Heavy emotions queue him to take a nap. :)
In the morning, I will be there for him. I am ready now, after just two hours. But this time, for the first time since a time I barely recall, I will be able to be there for him without begrudging the fact that someone elses's feelings always seem to need to take precidence over my own.
As much as I am working on the rest of my feelings, I feel incredibly emotionally healthy. Perfectly balanced. Exactly where I need to be. Such a strange place this is, and to think... I am getting used to it.
A thousand things popped into my mind to say, to ask, to require clarification on, because I did not understand. All of the verbal impulses I have to say hurtful things bounced around my head in response to feeling injured and foolish.
I excused myself to smoke, to gather my thoughts before my mouth got the better of me. Still, it got past me once. When someone tells you they are sorry, it is certainly not best to say "You will be." Thankfully, my amazing husband recognised that it was the only verbal "defense" (could easily be called offensive attack) that escaped, and I did not mean it. I was upset, and as usual, upset of any kind covers itself with anger. Anger is familiar, it feels empowering, but that is a lie. In my case, that defense is destructive, hurtful and if I don't get the better of it and use it to clean the heck out of the kitchen, ultimately harmful to myself and others.
I was quiet after that one slip. Was it because my mind was busy keeping my lips from opening again, or was it the conscious decision I feel I made, to not speak until I could sure to be civil? To not speak until I could trust my words, speaking them without regret and from the heart. I am unsure which it was. I suppose I will not know until the next time. Wait...
This is the second. Ahhh. I love those lightbulb moments, when everything makes sense all of a sudden.
How is it that in learning how to talk...
I have learned, finally, when not to?
I have never handled a situation like this.. In such an "aware of who I was/am and who I choose to be" manner. Catching the "defensive" thoughts that went through my head and tossing them out, like so much garbage, because I saw them, heard them, knew them, and have found them to no longer be true to who I am and wish to be.
My husband might disagree. He went to bed alone. That was for both of us. In this, I know we will both experience a sense of loss. My first reaction to loss is an immediate need for isolation. His is that of seeking comfort. This is the first time I have required enough time to deal with my own emotional response before honouring his. I needed to do so, and I not only recognised that, but owned it and used my words to ask it of him. I told him that I was not ready to talk, but I would be later. I asked him not to stay up for me. I welcomed him to stay awake if he wished. He did not. Heavy emotions queue him to take a nap. :)
In the morning, I will be there for him. I am ready now, after just two hours. But this time, for the first time since a time I barely recall, I will be able to be there for him without begrudging the fact that someone elses's feelings always seem to need to take precidence over my own.
As much as I am working on the rest of my feelings, I feel incredibly emotionally healthy. Perfectly balanced. Exactly where I need to be. Such a strange place this is, and to think... I am getting used to it.
- Mood:
thoughtful - Music:The Sound of Silence
Beltane was amazing, tiring, inspiring, intimidating, and so many other things.
So many have spoken of what happened that I did not witness, as I was in my camp for the majority of the gathering. I visited two camps during my visit. Thankfully, the two camps I did visit were full of people I adore, and I felt comfortable there, when I felt comfortable almost nowhere but my own camp.
I was... unprepared for something that a simpleton could have anticipated. My tantra classes are progressing well, in fact, I can say I now know myself better than I ever have. My self confidence is at a high that I do not recall having since I was about 19. I wear different clothes, carry myself with surety and speak my mind in a manner I never have before. I have done my exercises from the last class and discovered parts of myself that I had long neglected, and refuse to neglect in the future. I have gathered my strength, and as I watch a pair of very dear friends leave an organization that I joined, in part, because of them, I hear the words of another asking me to stay, despite the decision my DH and I had made to leave directly following Sunfest. I am not the same person I was a year ago. Yet still, I missed it... I forgot to consider a very important fact.
How is it that I could learn to open up as I have... and not consider what that would mean walking into such a space? If you open a door, it can be walked though, either way. So said my former room mate when I got home, and I felt a bit the fool for not considering that before hand. To walk past people and know there was something wrong, and to know if I should ask, or should not. If they were willing to speak of it, or not. To feel conflict from outside a camp. To sense my DH wanted my presence. It is so strange. I felt like I was standing on a teeter-totter, in the middle, without knowing who was going to jump on either end!
I watched my words, minded my thoughts and was careful with my actions. I felt connected, even as I stayed deliberately detached. I stood in the rain and took as many pictures as my poor waterlogged camera allowed. I turned down a friend, my dearest friend in fact, to dance the Maypole. I knew, not a moment after, that I had made a mistake. I should have danced it. I have spent a lifetime shutting down my sexuality, even amongst those that are accepting of all aspects of it. I tended my wounded daughter, gently reminding her to tend herself, and watching the evolution of her relationship with fire change to such a point that I now know she is ready to learn what she believed she was ready to learn before "the lesson" arrived. (For those that know her, she is doing well. Outside In did a marvelous job, all of the blisters have now broken and she tends her hand better than even I could. She is on antibiotics to prevent infection and she has offered to be part of the Fire Safety Workshop at Sunfest, offering herself up as a terrific example of what NOT to do. I'm as proud as I was scared.)
To my Tantra teachers, Thank you, despite the initial "f'yall for not warning me" that occurred to me, early into my campout. :) I am not sure where, or who, I would be without you, other than much less wise, and still spinning in my own stuff, oblivious to the work I needed to do.
So many have spoken of what happened that I did not witness, as I was in my camp for the majority of the gathering. I visited two camps during my visit. Thankfully, the two camps I did visit were full of people I adore, and I felt comfortable there, when I felt comfortable almost nowhere but my own camp.
I was... unprepared for something that a simpleton could have anticipated. My tantra classes are progressing well, in fact, I can say I now know myself better than I ever have. My self confidence is at a high that I do not recall having since I was about 19. I wear different clothes, carry myself with surety and speak my mind in a manner I never have before. I have done my exercises from the last class and discovered parts of myself that I had long neglected, and refuse to neglect in the future. I have gathered my strength, and as I watch a pair of very dear friends leave an organization that I joined, in part, because of them, I hear the words of another asking me to stay, despite the decision my DH and I had made to leave directly following Sunfest. I am not the same person I was a year ago. Yet still, I missed it... I forgot to consider a very important fact.
How is it that I could learn to open up as I have... and not consider what that would mean walking into such a space? If you open a door, it can be walked though, either way. So said my former room mate when I got home, and I felt a bit the fool for not considering that before hand. To walk past people and know there was something wrong, and to know if I should ask, or should not. If they were willing to speak of it, or not. To feel conflict from outside a camp. To sense my DH wanted my presence. It is so strange. I felt like I was standing on a teeter-totter, in the middle, without knowing who was going to jump on either end!
I watched my words, minded my thoughts and was careful with my actions. I felt connected, even as I stayed deliberately detached. I stood in the rain and took as many pictures as my poor waterlogged camera allowed. I turned down a friend, my dearest friend in fact, to dance the Maypole. I knew, not a moment after, that I had made a mistake. I should have danced it. I have spent a lifetime shutting down my sexuality, even amongst those that are accepting of all aspects of it. I tended my wounded daughter, gently reminding her to tend herself, and watching the evolution of her relationship with fire change to such a point that I now know she is ready to learn what she believed she was ready to learn before "the lesson" arrived. (For those that know her, she is doing well. Outside In did a marvelous job, all of the blisters have now broken and she tends her hand better than even I could. She is on antibiotics to prevent infection and she has offered to be part of the Fire Safety Workshop at Sunfest, offering herself up as a terrific example of what NOT to do. I'm as proud as I was scared.)
To my Tantra teachers, Thank you, despite the initial "f'yall for not warning me" that occurred to me, early into my campout. :) I am not sure where, or who, I would be without you, other than much less wise, and still spinning in my own stuff, oblivious to the work I needed to do.
- Location:Somewhere Over the Rainbow
- Mood: thoughtful
Beltane.... I can hardly wait. I hear the drums in my dreams, and in my waking thoughts. I must be one of many that unintentionally shimmy their hips in response to music other's do not hear while running errands. Sitting at the social security office, I got lost in a beat inside my own head and almost missed my # being called. The looks from the teenagers that were wearing headsets listening to mp3 players, while I had nothing but my brand-spankin' new bluetooth on one ear, were most amusing. Sometimes, extra input is not needed. Your spirit, and the tones of musicians that now live in your heart, will suffice... for now.
Walking outside just to place my hands upon the ground and breathe. Research of bellydancing moves to expand my repetoire, and learning to breathe differently while I dance. Finding myself holding my breath, only to have my subconscious mind kick the air back out of my lungs, this new thought so prevalent... breathe. Breathe. Finding myself anxious, or upset, easily distracted (right now) by a tooth that is giving me the who's, why's and what for's, but catching my moodiness and apologizing or taking a moment to consider if it is really the tooth by checking where I am. Not forgetting to meditate, no matter what. 5 minutes will do, even if it is locking myself in the bathroom. Doing the "chakra check", and taking the time, right then and there, to address whatever issue it is I am having. I refuse to... not be ok. I deny stress, drama, and things I do not need or want in my life. I embrace that each challenge is just that, a challenge, not a roadblock, but a hurdle. For the first time in my life, instead of stating it as lipservice, I am sure I can jump them... even if I am not sure how high I must jump to make that happen. I will find a way. I am stronger than I believe, so I must believe I am stronger than I know.
When chakras were introduced to me in Wicca 101, I came home calling the class "chakra crap" and made my husband laugh. While the pendulum clearly showed that there was something there, I could not feel anything but a vague warmth or lack therefor. I could not see it, or sense it beyond a strictly academic level. I worked on it, tried for quite some time in fact, but I figure now that I was simply not ready. I still had too much of my own stuff to take care of. I was even approached for advice by someone who was making terrific progress and told her "I would guess..." rather than "I would...", and that, having been the misguided counselor for so many of my friends for so long was probably the first step to where I am now. How amazing to have it be the opposite this time! To shift into attunement at exactly the right time in my life. While I believe in Fate, and that we all have choices that can alter what would have been the outcome of our current decisions, these are the little things that support "there are no coincidences".
And with that said... with the kitten my daughter brought home, unbeknownst to us, newly impregnanted, firmly planted in my lap, as I am the safe place where none of her two week old kittens require her attention, instead, she is simply pet, loved and talked to, I leave the song I listen to on my the way into the Beltane site each year. With intent and a sense of homecoming, I embrace the circle as I enter it. My daughter has asked if I will replace my stereo so I can play it again this year. I don't know if I need it this time. I am somehow so connected that I feel like a part of me never left. I miss the part I left there. I think, this year, I will be strong enough to both leave it there, and bring it home with me.
The Mummer's Dance, by Loreena McKennit
When in the springtime of the year, when the trees are crowned with leaves.
When the Ash and Oak and the Birch and Yew, are dressed in ribbons fair.
When owls call the breathless moon, in the blue veil of the night.
When shadows of the trees appear, amidst the lantern's light.
We've been rambling all the night, and some time of this day.
Now returning back again, we bring a garland gay.
Who will go down to those shady groves, and summon the shadows there,
and tie a ribbon on those sheltering arms, in the springtime of the year?
The sounds of birds seem to fill the wood, and when the fiddler plays,
all their voices can be heard, long past their woodland days.
We've been rambling all the night, and sometime of this day.
Now returning back again, we bring a garland gay.
And so they linked their hands and danced, 'round in circles and in rows.
And so the journey of the night descends, when all the shades are gone.
A garland gay we bring you here, and at your door we stand.
Here's a sprout, well budded out, the work of our Lord's hand.
We've been rambling all the night, and some time of this day.
Now returning back again, we bring the garland gay.
--
I look foward to the garland, to the challenges, to the love and curiousity that Beltane brings each year. So soon. So very soon.
Walking outside just to place my hands upon the ground and breathe. Research of bellydancing moves to expand my repetoire, and learning to breathe differently while I dance. Finding myself holding my breath, only to have my subconscious mind kick the air back out of my lungs, this new thought so prevalent... breathe. Breathe. Finding myself anxious, or upset, easily distracted (right now) by a tooth that is giving me the who's, why's and what for's, but catching my moodiness and apologizing or taking a moment to consider if it is really the tooth by checking where I am. Not forgetting to meditate, no matter what. 5 minutes will do, even if it is locking myself in the bathroom. Doing the "chakra check", and taking the time, right then and there, to address whatever issue it is I am having. I refuse to... not be ok. I deny stress, drama, and things I do not need or want in my life. I embrace that each challenge is just that, a challenge, not a roadblock, but a hurdle. For the first time in my life, instead of stating it as lipservice, I am sure I can jump them... even if I am not sure how high I must jump to make that happen. I will find a way. I am stronger than I believe, so I must believe I am stronger than I know.
When chakras were introduced to me in Wicca 101, I came home calling the class "chakra crap" and made my husband laugh. While the pendulum clearly showed that there was something there, I could not feel anything but a vague warmth or lack therefor. I could not see it, or sense it beyond a strictly academic level. I worked on it, tried for quite some time in fact, but I figure now that I was simply not ready. I still had too much of my own stuff to take care of. I was even approached for advice by someone who was making terrific progress and told her "I would guess..." rather than "I would...", and that, having been the misguided counselor for so many of my friends for so long was probably the first step to where I am now. How amazing to have it be the opposite this time! To shift into attunement at exactly the right time in my life. While I believe in Fate, and that we all have choices that can alter what would have been the outcome of our current decisions, these are the little things that support "there are no coincidences".
And with that said... with the kitten my daughter brought home, unbeknownst to us, newly impregnanted, firmly planted in my lap, as I am the safe place where none of her two week old kittens require her attention, instead, she is simply pet, loved and talked to, I leave the song I listen to on my the way into the Beltane site each year. With intent and a sense of homecoming, I embrace the circle as I enter it. My daughter has asked if I will replace my stereo so I can play it again this year. I don't know if I need it this time. I am somehow so connected that I feel like a part of me never left. I miss the part I left there. I think, this year, I will be strong enough to both leave it there, and bring it home with me.
The Mummer's Dance, by Loreena McKennit
When in the springtime of the year, when the trees are crowned with leaves.
When the Ash and Oak and the Birch and Yew, are dressed in ribbons fair.
When owls call the breathless moon, in the blue veil of the night.
When shadows of the trees appear, amidst the lantern's light.
We've been rambling all the night, and some time of this day.
Now returning back again, we bring a garland gay.
Who will go down to those shady groves, and summon the shadows there,
and tie a ribbon on those sheltering arms, in the springtime of the year?
The sounds of birds seem to fill the wood, and when the fiddler plays,
all their voices can be heard, long past their woodland days.
We've been rambling all the night, and sometime of this day.
Now returning back again, we bring a garland gay.
And so they linked their hands and danced, 'round in circles and in rows.
And so the journey of the night descends, when all the shades are gone.
A garland gay we bring you here, and at your door we stand.
Here's a sprout, well budded out, the work of our Lord's hand.
We've been rambling all the night, and some time of this day.
Now returning back again, we bring the garland gay.
--
I look foward to the garland, to the challenges, to the love and curiousity that Beltane brings each year. So soon. So very soon.
- Location:Hands on the grass.
- Mood: calm
- Music:As listed.
Before this last Saturday, I believed it had been some time since I had taken a good long hard look in the mirror and owned my own stuff. When avoidance and denial become second-nature to you, when they are first ripped away, you feel it intensely. Then you feel it less,
But what if...
It was because parts of the traits I do not wish to have had snuck their sneaky asses back in?
They were wearing terrific camo, I didn't even see them, until I stripped them away again. I did not know what I was doing when I removed their cover, flushed them out of the bushes, told them I don't like or want them and that it was time for them to go. It took two days for me to realize that is what I had done. I am stronger than I thought. I don't give myself enough credit sometimes, and I should stop doing that. I am becoming, and I Iove who I am becoming, even as difficult as it is and probably will be. I can say this. It has been a long time since I could say that I loved myself. It's a much better place than the other. I'll stay here. Here is good.
My life has changed in a dramatic fashion on so many levels that have nothing to do with where I live, how much money I make, you know, the mundane, instead, it has changed on an emotional and conscious level.
I communicate, though I still struggle mightily with some things, it is now easier for me to speak to others of things that I feel strongly about. I no longer cry every time anymore, because I do not hold things in for so long that I leak at the eyes while forcing out long unsaid feelings.
I accept, and appreciate, the people in my life (they're there for a reason) that tell me things I do not want to hear.
I accept, and embrace, that I felt drawn to a path of instruction that is showing me parts of myself that scare me, empower me, make me sad and give me perhaps the best understanding of who I am that I have ever had. And I'm not even close to done with the classes or the learning. (Not that I ever think learning is done, but learning in a structured setting has an "end date", whereas this life's end date is the last breath exhaled.)
I have made mistakes, and I have owned those mistakes, be they small or huge. Without taking ownership of those mistakes, I cannot learn from them, choosing to not is ceasing to be an option. What a beautiful thing.
A meditation done that I thought about quite a bit before it made sense to me.
I was sitting in a room, the walls were varying shades of dark purples, reds and pinks, with stripes of light purples, reds and pinks. The walls thumped like a heart. I stood and touched a wall, and the dark spots felt cold, but the light spots were the warmth of a perfect hottub. That "ahhh, just right" feeling of warmth. I looked to my feet and found several buckets of paint, all in light colors, several brushes, one for each bucket of paint, and a bucket of clear water. I took a brush, dunked it in the paint and swiped light purple over a swath of dark. The paint was absorbed and where the brust had touched now retained the lighter color, and I heard a sound like a happy sigh. I returned that brush and grabbed another, repeating what I had begun, glancing about me knowing there was much work to do, but setting myself to the task, while realizing my time here was limited today. Several moments later, a large portion of one wall shone brightly, and I could hear faint music in the background as I rinsed the brushes in the water and set them atop the cans of paint. I turned around and found the strangest person standing before me. Split down the center of her being, to my left she appeared a woman perhaps 10 years older than myself. She had shoulder length hair, mostly silver, with streaks of purple. She stood straight and proud, and was a little bigger than what society considers average, but she looked perfect to me. She wore a sweater and jeans, but both were flattering to her form, not boxy or hiding her shape. To my right she had shoulder length hair and strangely flipped bangs, as if she were trying to learn how to work with, rather than against her medium brown hair. She too stood straight, but in defiance, not pride and she was thin, a bit too thin, though I knew she considered herself fat. She also wore a sweater and jeans, but they were baggy, concealing her growing form as though she were not yet comfortable in her own skin.
I asked her if she wanted anything from me.
To the right, she said "Tell me you love me."
To the left, she said "Show me you love me."
I hugged them, nodding my head and promising I would.
I turned about once more and sat down. Before closing my eyes, I grinned and leaned forward, grabbing the edge of one of the lids on a jar of paint. I lifted it slightly, just enough that the light reflecting off of the walls showed clearly that it was not properly closed. I nodded and I closed my eyes, knowing I had already fufiled part of my promise.
Since this meditation I have been walking or dancing a minimum of 30 minutes a day. My calves freakin' hurt. :) The good kinda, stretch and do it again 'cause you've been too lazy for too long kind of hurt. I haven't had a drink, despite some tooth pain I'd rather be rid of but have an appointment to have taken care of. I have put my house in order, clearing the laundry room floor, clearing my desk, detailing the kitchen, etc, and I have addressed some important issues with my daughter, including taking the time to check in with her and play games with her.
Today, instead of the dentist (they called and rescheduled the appointment due to his illness) I get to go back.
After all, I left the lid cracked. Can't let the paint dry out, now can I?
But what if...
It was because parts of the traits I do not wish to have had snuck their sneaky asses back in?
They were wearing terrific camo, I didn't even see them, until I stripped them away again. I did not know what I was doing when I removed their cover, flushed them out of the bushes, told them I don't like or want them and that it was time for them to go. It took two days for me to realize that is what I had done. I am stronger than I thought. I don't give myself enough credit sometimes, and I should stop doing that. I am becoming, and I Iove who I am becoming, even as difficult as it is and probably will be. I can say this. It has been a long time since I could say that I loved myself. It's a much better place than the other. I'll stay here. Here is good.
My life has changed in a dramatic fashion on so many levels that have nothing to do with where I live, how much money I make, you know, the mundane, instead, it has changed on an emotional and conscious level.
I communicate, though I still struggle mightily with some things, it is now easier for me to speak to others of things that I feel strongly about. I no longer cry every time anymore, because I do not hold things in for so long that I leak at the eyes while forcing out long unsaid feelings.
I accept, and appreciate, the people in my life (they're there for a reason) that tell me things I do not want to hear.
I accept, and embrace, that I felt drawn to a path of instruction that is showing me parts of myself that scare me, empower me, make me sad and give me perhaps the best understanding of who I am that I have ever had. And I'm not even close to done with the classes or the learning. (Not that I ever think learning is done, but learning in a structured setting has an "end date", whereas this life's end date is the last breath exhaled.)
I have made mistakes, and I have owned those mistakes, be they small or huge. Without taking ownership of those mistakes, I cannot learn from them, choosing to not is ceasing to be an option. What a beautiful thing.
A meditation done that I thought about quite a bit before it made sense to me.
I was sitting in a room, the walls were varying shades of dark purples, reds and pinks, with stripes of light purples, reds and pinks. The walls thumped like a heart. I stood and touched a wall, and the dark spots felt cold, but the light spots were the warmth of a perfect hottub. That "ahhh, just right" feeling of warmth. I looked to my feet and found several buckets of paint, all in light colors, several brushes, one for each bucket of paint, and a bucket of clear water. I took a brush, dunked it in the paint and swiped light purple over a swath of dark. The paint was absorbed and where the brust had touched now retained the lighter color, and I heard a sound like a happy sigh. I returned that brush and grabbed another, repeating what I had begun, glancing about me knowing there was much work to do, but setting myself to the task, while realizing my time here was limited today. Several moments later, a large portion of one wall shone brightly, and I could hear faint music in the background as I rinsed the brushes in the water and set them atop the cans of paint. I turned around and found the strangest person standing before me. Split down the center of her being, to my left she appeared a woman perhaps 10 years older than myself. She had shoulder length hair, mostly silver, with streaks of purple. She stood straight and proud, and was a little bigger than what society considers average, but she looked perfect to me. She wore a sweater and jeans, but both were flattering to her form, not boxy or hiding her shape. To my right she had shoulder length hair and strangely flipped bangs, as if she were trying to learn how to work with, rather than against her medium brown hair. She too stood straight, but in defiance, not pride and she was thin, a bit too thin, though I knew she considered herself fat. She also wore a sweater and jeans, but they were baggy, concealing her growing form as though she were not yet comfortable in her own skin.
I asked her if she wanted anything from me.
To the right, she said "Tell me you love me."
To the left, she said "Show me you love me."
I hugged them, nodding my head and promising I would.
I turned about once more and sat down. Before closing my eyes, I grinned and leaned forward, grabbing the edge of one of the lids on a jar of paint. I lifted it slightly, just enough that the light reflecting off of the walls showed clearly that it was not properly closed. I nodded and I closed my eyes, knowing I had already fufiled part of my promise.
Since this meditation I have been walking or dancing a minimum of 30 minutes a day. My calves freakin' hurt. :) The good kinda, stretch and do it again 'cause you've been too lazy for too long kind of hurt. I haven't had a drink, despite some tooth pain I'd rather be rid of but have an appointment to have taken care of. I have put my house in order, clearing the laundry room floor, clearing my desk, detailing the kitchen, etc, and I have addressed some important issues with my daughter, including taking the time to check in with her and play games with her.
Today, instead of the dentist (they called and rescheduled the appointment due to his illness) I get to go back.
After all, I left the lid cracked. Can't let the paint dry out, now can I?
- Location:Heart
- Mood: calm
- Music:C'mon Get Higher - Matt Nathanson
My DH (Darling Husband) and I are avid readers. While we do not share a fondness for authors or genres, we both love to bite off a big chunk of book, burying ourselves for days at a time. Goddess forbid we find a series...we could be considered missing for weeks! There are books in nearly every room of our apartment. We ran out of room, and had to begin putting shelves on the walls.
Our DD (Darling Daughter) however, has never been a reader. I have often wondered if it skipped a generation, like my grandfather's red hair.
Last night, DD returned from playing basketball outside. She had been pestered (repeatedly received text messages) into playing because there is a boy in the neighborhood who is quite good, and considers her his only competition, as she considers him the same. He was refusing to play unless she joined, so she did.
Upon her return, I greeted her and a moment later, turned about to see her laying on the couch, head propped up on one arm, completely absorbed in the first book she will have completed in years. It took a movie, her girlfriend and her mother blinking big eyes at her, admitting that I did not remember, precisely, what the rules were for the baseball game... but she is blissfully lost in this book.
At 10:30pm, I went to advise her that she should probably put the book down, but she had fallen asleep, again with her head propped up on her hand, and the book open in front of her. I asked her to set the book aside before I realized her eyes were not directed down at the book but closed in sleep. I put the book aside, carefully preserving her page, and smiled my way to bed.
Our DD (Darling Daughter) however, has never been a reader. I have often wondered if it skipped a generation, like my grandfather's red hair.
Last night, DD returned from playing basketball outside. She had been pestered (repeatedly received text messages) into playing because there is a boy in the neighborhood who is quite good, and considers her his only competition, as she considers him the same. He was refusing to play unless she joined, so she did.
Upon her return, I greeted her and a moment later, turned about to see her laying on the couch, head propped up on one arm, completely absorbed in the first book she will have completed in years. It took a movie, her girlfriend and her mother blinking big eyes at her, admitting that I did not remember, precisely, what the rules were for the baseball game... but she is blissfully lost in this book.
At 10:30pm, I went to advise her that she should probably put the book down, but she had fallen asleep, again with her head propped up on her hand, and the book open in front of her. I asked her to set the book aside before I realized her eyes were not directed down at the book but closed in sleep. I put the book aside, carefully preserving her page, and smiled my way to bed.
- Location:At home
- Mood:
cheerful - Music:None, DH must do his homework.
Yesterday was bliss. I had not even reached for my coffee when my husband's phone rang, and I had to answer, as it was the boyfriend calling on his way to work, on a Sunday, because that man can't not work. So I began my day with a thank you for the thought, and a lecture about leaving messages instead of just hanging up. :) I traveled to Washington to make beads, and took a socially awkward Pixie with me, finally understanding why her dog is a service dog. She was better out in public than she has been in a damned long time. I was able to give a woman I adore a gift from my husband, and from myself, as that is not the type of gift he gives without my knowledge and consent. I got to watch my daughter connect with people, be respectful and polite as well as respecting my decisions in regards to what she is and is not allowed to do (huge, completely huge). Her girlfriend was introduced to a portion of the community she would not have otherwise met until Beltane. My roommate quit returning each night, so we're almost at the end of the longest, most gut-wrenching goodbye I've ever experienced. I did my homework. I fully honored my responsibilities. And this otherwise blissful day ended with a gut-wrenching discussion with a friend.
(Content edited for privacy purposes. My apologies.)
(Content edited for privacy purposes. My apologies.)
- Location:Running the wheel with the hamsters in my head
- Music:The Mummers Dance, Loreena McKennitt
I am in such a weird place right now. In this weird ass place, I have tantra homework. Strange, kinda scary, but I'm up for it. First, I've got to do my level best to clear the head, and move forward, in the now.
Events that began approximately six months ago are now impacting my life on a near daily basis. In some ways this is terrific, and in some ways it is bonkers-level drive-me-crazy kinda stuff. As difficult as it can be to incorporate two lives, two points of view, two sets of needs, wants, ideals and dreams... the difficulty multiplies exponentially if more people are added. It is easy to forget the learning curve when you are as far, or seemingly far, past it as my husband and I are. The learning/communication curve in new relationships is a doozy.
I've gone through so many changes both recently, and in the past six months, that my husband and daughter are now surprised by who I am, how I speak, what I do. My reactions are not what they expect, often they are the opposite of what they once should have expected. That's kinda cool. Nah, it's really very cool. The over-reactions are disappearing (almost gone altogether - I still have a few hot buttons), and thought out, well-rounded responses are becoming the norm. They can talk to me about sensitive subjects and I don't feel I must get out of the conversation as quickly as possible. Instead, I breathe, and I listen. I breathe, and I take my turn to speak. Most importantly, I breathe. I think. I act, instead of reacting.
This is the first time I have launched into a course of study and not had the means to pop down to the book store and pick up more books on the subject. The local library is no longer local, so that's not really an option. I'm left with the net (Usually hit or miss, as I tell my daughter, the 'net is not the Encyclopedia Brittanica (sp?).), my teachers, their web stuffs, my own progress and the input of the other students as well. Why did I say left with? Blessed by would have been better phrased. It is a different way to learn, but amazing in its own right.
There. Better.
Off to the shower, to meditation, and to opening up and receiving/sending whatever it is I am supposed to.
Current mood song: Supermassive Black Hole - By: Muse
Events that began approximately six months ago are now impacting my life on a near daily basis. In some ways this is terrific, and in some ways it is bonkers-level drive-me-crazy kinda stuff. As difficult as it can be to incorporate two lives, two points of view, two sets of needs, wants, ideals and dreams... the difficulty multiplies exponentially if more people are added. It is easy to forget the learning curve when you are as far, or seemingly far, past it as my husband and I are. The learning/communication curve in new relationships is a doozy.
I've gone through so many changes both recently, and in the past six months, that my husband and daughter are now surprised by who I am, how I speak, what I do. My reactions are not what they expect, often they are the opposite of what they once should have expected. That's kinda cool. Nah, it's really very cool. The over-reactions are disappearing (almost gone altogether - I still have a few hot buttons), and thought out, well-rounded responses are becoming the norm. They can talk to me about sensitive subjects and I don't feel I must get out of the conversation as quickly as possible. Instead, I breathe, and I listen. I breathe, and I take my turn to speak. Most importantly, I breathe. I think. I act, instead of reacting.
This is the first time I have launched into a course of study and not had the means to pop down to the book store and pick up more books on the subject. The local library is no longer local, so that's not really an option. I'm left with the net (Usually hit or miss, as I tell my daughter, the 'net is not the Encyclopedia Brittanica (sp?).), my teachers, their web stuffs, my own progress and the input of the other students as well. Why did I say left with? Blessed by would have been better phrased. It is a different way to learn, but amazing in its own right.
There. Better.
Off to the shower, to meditation, and to opening up and receiving/sending whatever it is I am supposed to.
Current mood song: Supermassive Black Hole - By: Muse
Today was very difficult. Terribly so, as I set my head to enter a space that requires that I behave and reconcile my life as an adult... when I'd rather be a child... selfish, small and just...wanting.
I think today was meant to be. I keep breathing and telling myself.... How would I know what easy is if I have no reference for difficult?
I lost myself in the music....as need be. It is the one place that does not judge me. It is my space. I am truly free there. I am... free. Gods, but I love my music.
So it is....and there I am. I get to go home... soon. This, another and another song are living large in my head. This is one. Dance, by Lady Gaga, and Supermassive Black Hole by Muse....they are my current place. There are where I live, love, and am... right.
In the meantime, I am right where I am meant to be.... which is a place that is so foreign to me I cannot yet say that's my home.
So... a set of lyrics...
Let It Rock - Kevin Federline feat, Lil' Wayne
I see your dirty face
Hide behind your collar
What is done in vain
Truth is hard to swallow
So you pray to God
To justify the way you live a lie, live a lie, live a lie
And you take your time
And you do your crime
Well you made your bed
I'm in mine
But it is. Tomorrow. Gods, get me to tomorrow. Let it be...oh, it is. I will attend my daughter's basketball scrimmage so short on sleep it will feel exactly right.
Blessed be. I suppose I am where I shoudl be.
I think today was meant to be. I keep breathing and telling myself.... How would I know what easy is if I have no reference for difficult?
I lost myself in the music....as need be. It is the one place that does not judge me. It is my space. I am truly free there. I am... free. Gods, but I love my music.
So it is....and there I am. I get to go home... soon. This, another and another song are living large in my head. This is one. Dance, by Lady Gaga, and Supermassive Black Hole by Muse....they are my current place. There are where I live, love, and am... right.
In the meantime, I am right where I am meant to be.... which is a place that is so foreign to me I cannot yet say that's my home.
So... a set of lyrics...
Let It Rock - Kevin Federline feat, Lil' Wayne
I see your dirty face
Hide behind your collar
What is done in vain
Truth is hard to swallow
So you pray to God
To justify the way you live a lie, live a lie, live a lie
And you take your time
And you do your crime
Well you made your bed
I'm in mine
(Chorus)
Because when I arrive
I bring the fire
Make you come alive
I can take you higher
What is this, forgot?
I must now remind you
Let It Rock
Let It Rock
Let It Rock
Now the son's disgraced
He, who knew his father
When he cursed his name
Turned, and chased the dollar
But it broke his heart
So he stuck his middle finger
To the world
To the world
To the world
And you take your time
And you stand in line
Well you'll get what's yours
I got mine, Oh Oh!
Chorus:
Because when I arrive
I bring the fire
Make you come alive
I can take you higher
What is this, forgot?
I must now remind you
Let It Rock
Let It Rock
Let It Rock
Yeeeeeaaaaah!
Wayne's world
Planet Rock
Panties drop
And the top
And she gonna rock 'til the camera stops
And I sing about angels like Angela
(Rock)
And Pamela
(Rock)
And Samantha
(Rock)
And Tamara
And Amanda
(I have my own line here, but I believe the line is and na'jey mwayh ( I do NOT speak french, please correct me, this is not accurate.)
I'm in here up like bitch what's up
Mechanic, me, I can fix you up
I can lick you up
I can lick you down
Shorty we can go wherever just pick a town
And the jewelry is louder than an an engine sound
Big as rocks like on the ground
Dirty like socks that's on the ground
Chorus:
(Kevin Rudolph)
Because when I arrive
I bring the fire
Make you come alive
I can take you higher
What is this, forgot?
I must now remind you
Let It Rock
Let It Rock
Let It Rock
Let It Rock
Let It Rock
Let It Rock
Just Let It Rock
Let It Rock
Let It Rock
Let It Rock
Let It Rock
Let It Rock
Let It Rock
(Verse 4:Lil' Wayne)
I'm back like I forgot somethin'
I'm somethin'
Rulin' rock rubbin' rap runnin'
Miles like I'm trying to get a flat stomach
Like Wayne the personal trainer
My aim is perfect I'll bng ya
Period, Like the remainda
I wish I could be
As cool as you
And I wish I could say
The things you do
But I can't and I won't live a lie
No not this time
But it is. Tomorrow. Gods, get me to tomorrow. Let it be...oh, it is. I will attend my daughter's basketball scrimmage so short on sleep it will feel exactly right.
Blessed be. I suppose I am where I shoudl be.
- Mood: thoughtful
- Music:Kevin Rudolph feat. Lil Wayne
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