The differentiation of Labor Day

Labor day, to most, is a day off. It is a three day weekend. It is the opportunity to be given a "Hey, Good Job!" that many workers need but often do not get. It is a holiday. It is paid time off. It is... wonderful.


Labor day means something incredibly different to me. Labor day was birth pains, without medication, by my own choice. Nineteen and terrified but so damned sure that I was doing the right thing. (A Huge part of being 19, if you ask me.) I had my first daughter on Labor Day. It rewrote my understanding of the word. My understanding of the holiday. While I would like to dismiss the fact that I lost that daughter to S.I.D.S. four and a half months later, to say that does not change my perspective on the holiday, were I ever to say that, would be an outrageous lie.

There are days it is difficult to reconcile the forty something woman who is being chased about the house by her horny husband, because he would Get Paid For Having Sex With His Wife.....and what that day means to me. I suppose anyone would think that battle gets easier. Yeah, well, everyone lies. It is never easier. It is never smaller. It is. It. Rewrote.

Still...He will be home soon and I, well, I will do my level best, after a week of life crazy (timing, never underestimate it, my friends, timing is a gift, recognize when you're handed "more than you can handle" and it means "you're stronger than you think") to remember that my past is not something I can change, nor does it rewrite my current world. Instead, I will do my best to focus on today. Now. Live in the moment. Instead of living in a place that, to my way of understanding, serves no purpose other than intentional self depreciation, I choose to live in the now, even if my husband and his girlfriend are completely oblivious to where I am and what all this means to me. And trust me... they are. So fucking mooney eyed at each other that they don't even see it. Jeeze. It's ok. I've stood outside before. I've done this. This role, I know. I can manage it.

Being the oldest...sucks. Growing up with abuse so that you see...everything...sucks. Life doesn't suck. It is always a choice. I choose... even when it is hardest, to be better than that. Even as I walk away from my computer wanting to throw shit and wreck my living room.

I apologize to anyone that read this. It had to go somewhere. This is where it went. Thanks for listening and I hope like hell I didn't waste your time.

Holiday Madness

Happy Holidays everyone!! I hope that whatever holiday you celebrate turned out to be full of small joys, large smiles and reasons to look towards a positive future.

I am not dead. I have not, however, responded to any emails in nearly a week nor posted anything here because holy moly...

I recovered from having pneumonia, sinusitis and dual ear infections though it was touch and go there for a bit including a bad reaction to medication and many days of complete inability to retain thoughts beyond "do I dare to take more than fifteen steps today?" and "where the bloody fuck did I put that codeine cough syrup THIS TIME?"

Yesterday was wonderful but full of the standard chaos the holidays bring, including multiple drives of 45+ minutes, beginning at 6am (ugh!) to visit family on either ends of where we live. Still, it was glorious and when it was done, I collapsed and slept for 12+ hours.

Finally gathering my wits today, which begins with gathering my house - which is, because I am the mom and wife, completely unapologetically trashed all to hell. When I manage to wade out of the pit it has become, I can return to beta work, non-profit work and having a life.

Today is good. Tomorrow will be awesome. :)
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    Muddy Waters - Mannish Boy

SPN Related. Don't care? Scroll on by. I won't mind.

In my perusing yesterday I ran across this:


Now, before you go read it, let me warn you, it's long. It's involved. It's Sam-centric.

This is the closest anyone has come to explaining why I have remained mostly silent on my perspective of this season, thus far - because I feel exactly the same as the author.

This season, I made a conscious choose to Trust the new direction the show is taking, and I am really loving that I know that perspective and perception are being Seriously Toyed With. I'll let them play me like a marionette, for now... they've done what few can manage. I have ideas, but almost no certainty whatsoever of specifics to come. What I do hold, with certainty, is this strange feeling that when all comes to light, I'll be very glad I made that conscious choice and feel well-rewarded, rather than prone to hucking things at my Handsome's big ass television (my "feels" regarding Season seven's finale).

For any of you that contribute to round-ups of the Sam/Dean variety, I highly recommend reccing this. As a novice, I don't yet know how to do that other than posting like this. (Hell, I am still baffled by lj cuts or I would have added a few people I know should read this and hidden 90% of my blathering behind something far more witty than what is contained within these parenthesis.)

Rant. :)

So, just taking a moment here to vent a touch of frustration...

My husband, the incredibly handsome and talented man that he is, works at a pretty high-end muckity much tech place. Yeah. He's a geek. Granted, he's a 6'5" with shoulders from here to Mexico ridiculously good-looking geek, but inside, he's a pocket-lined calculator wielding nerd. This *should* mean that when I have computer problems they are easy to solve, right?

Nope. Not just nope, but HELL no.

I am on the tail end of round freakin' six. I've been without net for almost a week solid - minus one brief evening. Now, this wouldn't be so bad but I've got responsibilities! No email means I can't notify the lovely lady I beta for that I did the edit and she can post. I can't comment on peoples writings that I am just now catching up on. I cannot finish the stuff I do for a non-profit (part of what I do involves uploading it/emailing it, etc.) and .... gah!!

Alrighty then. Tonight I surrender my system for the last time. Today it is working only because I required that it be able to "work" so I could do what I have promised others I would do.

I have email to send to a lovely lady that has been beyond patient with me (and my husband having a complete geek fail week) and return to my usual online obsessions. Cross your fingers for me!

Fandom and Icons. Re: Supernatural fandom - not your cuppa tea? Ignore. :)

Rant to follow, feel free to chime in with your opinion or completely ignore. Whatever floats your boat. :)


People in this fandom are loyal. Seriously loyal. I like that about them. With that said...

Most people have their OTP. I really get that. I even have my own.

I also have friends on all sides of the fences that designate the battle arena of the shipping wars. I enjoy the variety of perspectives, the different plays on narrative and the constant fluidity of change offered up by the varying views of those within this fandom. I have read scorching hot fiction in every single genre out there - sometimes, to my complete shock, and believe you me, I am not easily shocked.

For the longest time, I had one icon and did not change it. Eventually, I did. As my LJ became more and more dedicated to SPN, it felt right to change it but I agonized (silly, but true) over what my icon should be. Am I a Sam girl? Am I a Dean girl? (I am a Sam girl, I must admit, but that doesn't mean I don't need a bib when I see Dean, it just took me longer to get there with him than it did with Sam.) So, for my icon I chose the one thing that I knew was least likely to offend those with dedicated OTP's. The Impala. She seemed a natural over ride. It showed my love of the show, the beauty of her form, importance of her role as "home" and did not declare allegiance to any one pairing, keeping me from risking posting a pic of the wrong pairing to anyone's page in a comment.

In the last week, for a friend who is a hardcore Dean/Cas lady, I made an icon of her OTP for use when I post to her. I did not intend this icon for general use, I intended it as kind of a small "hey, I care" kinda thing. I unintentionally made it my primary icon and did not catch that at first.

I figured it out when I realized that a comment I made to an author I adore had been removed. *pouts* I thought about it and realized that all of her fictions are of the Sam/Dean or Dean/Sam variety. I cannot help but wonder if the post was removed because of the icon.

Now, I realize it is silly to even consider that, but I guess I cannot help it. It makes me wonder and it makes me sad.

So, I ask you, fellow friends and fans... How do you choose your icons? Do you use them specifically or very generally? Do you remove posts if the icon shows a pairing that is not your OTP?

For those that respond, thank you in advance. Navigating the social pool that is this fandom can occasionally be difficult and your input has often made sure I knew how to operate a darned rudder.

Hey, al y'all

One of my fave authors has published one of her her BigBangs. If you don't have a reference point to that term, don't go to the link.  If you do, please, travel at your leisure and pleasure, for I am sure she will offer you both. 

While ya might not be invested in the more lengthy works....this amazing author might just make ya change yer mind.  :) 

I have rewritten my evening around reading her fic..... and I have no regrets.  Check her out.  She's about a thousand kinds of awesome.  



When do You send Friend Requests/Comment on Stuffs?

I've was a lurker for quite some time.  I enjoyed lurking.  It was good to me.  Much like when I was young and stood back against the wall at a party to see where I wanted to be before I stepped forward and got to know people at all, I did the same here, with the SPN fandom.  The same thing happened here that used to happen at those long ago parties - I got to know people better, and I learned about myself as well.

I observed.  I read.  Much like my eyes and ears would take in everything around me as if I had been starved for sight or sound prior to whatever party I attended, I read like I had been starved for the written word my entire life.  I discovered artists of all types, those who used the written word and those who used media.  I google-fu'd my way through so many different terms that I can now use with confidence (OTP was the last term I had to look up, heh, and that was about 6 months ago).  The fandom began to become part of my heart, as well as my vocabulary.    

After a long while, I began to comment, seriously, about two months ago.  Right around the same time I started sending friend requests.  It took awhile for me to discern when it would appropriate to send a friend request.  Was it right to send one because I feel in love with one artistic rendering?  One story?  Should I wait for two, three, or more before I did so?  Much like purchasing music nowadays - should I be sure I *really* love them before I plunk down something of meaning?  Do I hedge requests when someone's usual style goes against my preferred genre's?  

So, all this rambling has led to a question.  When do You send a friend request?  What are your thoughts on saving/storing other's artwork?  (Artwork to me is any form - written or media.  I, personally, have not unless I asked first, except in one case, which I fessed up to and got permission right after - can you tell I was raised Catholic - the guilt!!) Please feel free to chime in.  I am very curious about my flists opinion.

  • Current Music
    Glitch Mob - Fortune Days